Monday, September 27, 2010

Stuck in a Moment & Memories of My Mom

I've been in a funk lately. You know what I mean? Those epic quicksands of emotion that leave you drowning. Yeah, I've been there for awhile. I mean, I'm thankful for my new job and all, and professionally things worked out after the epic black hole or horror this summer, lol. At the same time, there are a lot of other question marks right now that are making life difficult. Will I finally meet Prince Charming before my expiration date....I iz 31, ya know? When will I have the longed for baby so that accidentally going down the baby aisle at Walmart doesn't send a stabbing pain of longing reverberating through my chest? When will my book be published? AUGHHHHH! Too many questions!!!

For the most part, September is notoriously a hard month for me. It reaps a harvest of painful memories and takes me back to the last stretch of my mother's life. She was diagnosed with glioblastoma--one of the most severe and most aggressive brain tumors on August 26th, 2002. At first, the doctors were very positive. She would have the tumor removed, have some radiation at best, and all would be good. However, that was before they did the actual surgery and realized the type and severity of the tumor. The mortality rate for Glioblastomas are 24 months at best. My mom only got four weeks. She passed away on the 28th of September, 2002.

Losing my mom shattered me, and honestly, a part of me died with her. Or at least, who I once was died with her. She was my best friend, my rock of faith, my never ending cheerleader. As an only child and one she tried for many years to have, she called me the Sunshine in her Life. And in the same token, she was the sunshine in mine. I couldn't imagine a life without her in it. I get angry sometimes when people say to me, "Oh, I couldn't bear losing my mother." Even though I know they mean well, I have to fight the urge to scream at them, "Well, do you think I signed up for this, because I sure as hell didn't? I'm dying here!" I didn't think I could bear it. I thought I would die from the grief--sometimes I wanted to. I still lived at home at the time my mother passed away, and she was my entire world.

Time does heal wounds, but you're never fully healed. And months like September seem to pour salt on those wounds. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my mother--that I don't wish to be comforted by her again, to hear her laugh, to feel her arms around me. Then there are days when it shifts to a painful ache--one that leaves me emotionally crippled. But somehow you get through--somehow you survive, and you find the strength to go on in the love that you shared.

Goodbye's the Saddest Word: Celine Dion

Mama, you gave life to me.
Turned a baby into a lady.
And mama, all you had to offer was a promise of a lifetime of love.

Now I know.
There is no other love like a mother's love for her child .
And I know love so complete someday must leave.
Must say goodbye.

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear.
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near.
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry.
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye.


Melissa said...

I am so sorry about your mother, I can't imagine how hard September must be for you. My thoughts are with you in this trying time.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about your mother and the pain September brings to you. *hugs*

Kara Mustafa said...

<3! You'll get through September. Your mom was beautiful :)

Krista Ashe said...

Thanks for the sweet comments guys and for the hugs! Friends, family, and writer buddies help to get through.

Thanks Kara! :) I only wish I could have inherited her "metabolism", lol. She was like 98lbs in HS...I think I was 98lbs at birth, lol.

Angie said...

So sorry you lost your mom so young. My heart goes out to you.

Melissa J. Cunningham said...

What a beautiful post. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 24, two weeks before my wedding. I still think about her every day. Many times I can feel here close by and I know she's okay.

It's been almost 16 years and it does get better and easier, I promise, but for me, February is always tough.

I found you from Writing it Out blog. I'm a follower. Look forward to reading more.

Stephanie Jenkins said...

Krista, this is a beautiful post. My heart goes out to you. I love you, girl.

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